An Apology

Hey! Hey you!
You once said I could never make you forget about me.
Well 2 months ago we were in the same restaurant at Zaytuna Bay… either you didn’t recognize me or we both avoided each other on purpose.

Anyway, I just wanted to say… I’m sorry.
Don’t you dare laugh at my face! You have to believe me, I am so very sorry… about everything.

Remember how you told me how a lesson in humility would do me good? Well I got schooled. Life kicked my ass and now I finally understand what you meant. You look surprised… but we all have to grow up eventually, even me.

It’s weird how my year with you didn’t taste of anything. It’s probably because at the time, I was (briefly) one of these girls who don’t eat. I shopped a lot, I went out and drank a lot, but I didn’t eat, at least not every day…what a peculiar way to live… But that’s another story and I’ll tell it another day.

Today I owe you an apology.

I’m sorry I wasn’t nicer. You laughed at my jokes, endured my mood swings and sent me flowers. You didn’t mind that I was rude and socially awkward, and that I refused to smile at your glossy friends with long blond hair and designer shoes. To be honest, these women intimidated me (they still do).

I called you Gatsby and you thought it was a compliment because you never read the book (movie coming out soon, don’t miss it!). Actually I thought it was cute, the way you tried so hard. It also scared me a little, how patient you were, your sweet determination to stick around, no matter how much of an arrogant bitch I could be. You introduced me to people as “the girl you’ll marry someday” but it just wasn’t working, not because of the age difference, or because I didn’t like your friends, but because I simply didn’t love you.

When I wanted to end it and you decided not to let me, you scared me even more. I tried everything short of pushing you out an open window. I even cheated on you, and told you about it. You got very angry, you said mean and hurtful things to me, but you never left. I didn’t understand at the time, but now I do.

Maybe it all doesn’t matter anymore. Remember how you always said you admired my strength and independent spirit? My fuck-you attitude? It was just a veneer, and now I let the veneer go. If we met today, I don’t think you’d like me. My fearless zest, my arrogant feistiness, it’s all gone. He took it away.

In case you were still wondering, this is what happened. A man happened to me, I loved him, he didn’t love me back…silly story really.

I had no idea it hurts so badly.
I didn’t know that when it happens, life gives you no choice, and that you can only endure and hope.
I finally get it. Not passion, not infatuation, just plain old love. And that hurts like fuck!!!

You missed quite a show… Karma was waiting for me around the corner with a machete. I didn’t just step down from my pedestal… noooo, I squirmed on the floor, I begged on my knees. I smiled, fluttered my eyelashes, and then I cried. I tried every trick, submitted to every whim, I read his favorite books, quit smoking for him and did things I had only seen in porn movies before. I made a fool of myself…repeatedly. You would have enjoyed the irony of my desperation. I, of all people, should have known that it doesn’t work, that when someone doesn’t love you, you can’t magically make them love you back, even if they stick around for a whole year. Even if they’re sweet, even if they hold you tight all night.

In case you were wondering, he’s not that hot, not that cool. Actually, he’s ridiculously superstitious and he likes wearing luxury logos; you know how much I despise that! There’s nothing particularly special about him, yet, he was The One.

Heheee yeah I’m using silly syrup-y expressions these days. You see, nobody told me that all the words are true, all these word in love stories, all these bullshit expressions are true! I had no idea!!! So many clichés… If I’ve learned anything from this whole debacle, it’s how basically animal we really are. And those flowery feelings that poets wrote about, how much they really hurt.

It’s so real, everything else feels fake. His touch can really make my heart skip a beat, then pound faster, then make time stop. It is true when they say you can drown in a person’s gaze. A moment of confusion will make you stutter, then lost for words, and you WILL NOT be able to pronounce words because you mouth can get desert-dry in a millisecond. And blood will freeze in your veins when you’re in panic-mode. I felt my knees shaking like in a comic strip, and I was horrified, so horrified my stomach turned.

I think I never had any real feelings before I experienced the torture of extreme feelings. I could only express what went through my mind with words like “iceberg” and “volcano” and “tornado” and “hurricane”. It was exhausting.

You know I’m no stranger to drama, or sadness, but my usual poison comes in a Bell Jar. THIS was new. This thing, this feeling that my happiness depends on one person who could make or break every moment. Lighting up when he said something sweet, saving a special place in my heart for every word. I became that idiot who talks about him all day long, that girl waiting for his phone call, over-analyzing an sms, I became the kind of person I once made fun of…

Was it that bad for you? It couldn’t have been. I’m sure nobody, in the history of humanity has ever loved someone like I loved this little shithead. I never thought it would happen to me and when it did, I had over a quarter of a century to catch up on. I fell for him like a hopeless castaway. How do people survive love?

So anyway I just wanted to say I’m sorry.

I’m not as proud these days, not as cool, but a lot more mature, and when a soppy love song plays on the radio, I feel for the composer. When my friends share with me the troubles of a broken heart, I give them a hug and I mean it.

Sometimes I also think: how banal, how trite the whole affair was! I could have done so much better. A more interesting play, better characters, more depth to the whole episode. Yes this could have been better played; I certainly do hope it doesn’t happen again. But at least it was… enlightening.


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